The following is a humorous example of the absurdities that can be caused by trying to interpret the contents of the Bible literally. It was apparently written by J. Kent Ashcraft in response to comments by the radio personality, Laura Schlessinger, who upset some listeners to her show with a religiously motivated attack on homosexuals.

Laura is Canadian, but we have our own homegrown self-appointed & self-opinionated religious expert on homosexuality in the form of Anne Atkins (Radio 4 - Thought for the Day) who at university was, ‘quite happy’ with the idea of homosexuality, until someone took her through the Bible passage by passage. This therefore could apply equally to her.

Dear Dr. Laura – Anne Atkins,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

  • When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
  • I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her.
  • I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
  • Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
  • I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
  • A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
  • Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
  • Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
  • I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
  • My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14).

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Update Sept 2008 The content at the above link has since been altered to remove the following offending passage:

But Anne is still full of surprises. Many in this diocese will remember she spoke passionately against the appointment of Jeffrey John as Bishop of Reading. But she admits that while at university she was �quite happy� with the idea of homosexuality, until someone took her through the Bible passage by passage. - wayback Machine

See also:

Gay bishop answers critics

The gay bishop at the centre of a Church of England storm surrounding his appointment has described his relationship as a "gift from God".

Canon Jeffrey John, appointed to be Bishop of Reading, posted a lengthy statement on the Diocese of Oxford website, just before his opponents met to try to reverse his appointment.

Further down:

Novelist and columnist Anne Atkins told Today: "If anyone could show me how to interpret the New Testament with intellectual integrity to say that homosexual relations are acceptable to God, I would be delighted." - Full article